New York Times health columnist Dr. Richard Friedman, age 51, recently wrote an article chalking up the so-called midlife crisis to narcissism and the natural pursuit of novelty. After describing several cases of Nascar Dads Behaving Badly, Friedman suggests that the mid-life crisis is not exactly a common experience, but rather what happens when already-narcissistic men face “the ultimate insult: getting older.” He writes,
“Why do we have to label a common reaction of the male species to one of life’s challenges — the boredom of the routine — as a crisis? True, men are generally more novelty-seeking than women, but they certainly can decide what they do with their impulses.”
As in, they need not decide to dye their hair, buy a Porsche and secretly court a 26-year-old secretary. Wow, humans are capable of controlling their perhaps-evolutionary impulses! Such an empowering argument against those who rape, cuckhold and cheat on their partners (all “strategic” moves in the evolutionary sense.) Friedman writes,
“The main culprit, I think, is our youth-obsessed culture, which makes a virtue of the relentless pursuit of self-renewal. The news media abound with stories of people who seek to recapture their youth simply by shedding their spouses, quitting their jobs or leaving their families.”
Does the news media really glorify people who shed their spouses and leave their families? I can think of uplifting stories about entrepreneurs who broke loose from the corporate chains, but otherwise, don’t we as a society tend to look down upon renegade spouses and deadbeat dads?
And furthermore, I’m not sure that leaving a wife or family signifies a return to youth or even an instance of self-renewal. Others would call such actions “shirking from responsibilities.” Is youth marked by polygamy, the inability to keep a job and an absent moral compass?
As we finish up college, my friends and I joke that we’re all going through existential quarter-life crises. We’re attempting to figure out who we are and what we want from life. We’re young - probably around the age that midlife-crisis-ers would like to hark back to - but we’re seeking stable relationships and life contentment, not momentary pleasures (well, for the most part.) If I get to age 50 and realize I’m not satisfied, I suppose my reaction to that realization will depend on whether I’m narcissistic and self-serving or resourceful and flexible. Even if I blow my savings on a hot car at that point, I really hope I’ll find ways to be challenged and renewed without hurting the people I love.
2 responses so far ↓
1 Paul Dailing // Jan 22, 2008 at 10:42 am
Michael Douglas. Tom Cruise. Bogart and Bacall. Charlie Chaplin for that matter. Recent presidential candidates Dennis Kucinich and Fred Thompson have gotten tons of press regarding their attractive younger wives. The media does have a tendancy to do fawning stories about finding love across the years - as long as the people involved are celebrities.
2 andibee // Jan 22, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Good point. I think we tend to demonize the woman (as a gold-digger or whatever) and heroize the male in those celebrity relationships. But when it comes to normal people, I like to think we glorify the man who stays with his wife through her anorexia (see this month’s Self) or grief or depression or whatever. And we tend to negatively judge both parties in age-mismatched couples, at least in Middle America. (My dad’s good friend, who is pushing 60, just married a woman who is pretty, good-natured, and 31 years old. What was your gut response to that sentence?) Maybe this is just one more example of double-standards between Celebrities and Others.
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